Day by Day

What a difference each day makes. I can't believe how much better I feel this week in comparison to last week. The swelling is gone in my hands and feet. I'm hungry all the time and don't seem to have any blockage issues after I eat. My energy has increased significantly. And my allergies don't seem to be causing as many problems in my head. In short, I feel alive. Don't get me wrong, there are still issues. My joints still hurt a bit. My stool is not what anyone would consider normal. I have to take a lot of medicine. And I sleep more than most. But in comparison to last week - Wow! The past month I have had a few 'aha moments.' Maybe I've inferenced them in my posts before, but I guess they are becoming stronger beliefs - so if there is duplication here, forgive me. The first aha may seem ridiculous to some, but Amy and I call it the 'Good Will Hunting Learning.' Remember when Robin Williams character tells Will Hunting that the abuse he received early in his life was 'not his fault.' Hunting says....'I know, I know.' Williams character comes back and says....'It's not your fault.' Again, Hunting says 'I know, I know.' And Williams character comes back again and says.....'It's not your fault.' Ultimately, Hunting and Williams character hug each other tight and share a good cry. Well, for years and years I've been asking the question 'Why do I have Crohn's disease? What have I done to deserve this? What is God trying to teach me through this?' Ultimately there are no easy answers to these questions. And it can drive your mind crazy, and you reach for answers. Well in the hospital last week when my body was attacking itself, I was sharing with one of my physicians all the hard work I've been doing to take care of myself. Working less, eating carefully, resting more, etc. I said I don't know what else I can do or what I did wrong. He looked at me with his kind eyes and said, 'I hope you know that this is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Your body is doing this, but you didn't do anything to cause it.' Aha - Good Will Hunting. I can give myself a break because he's right. Sometimes you just need to hear it from an expert to believe it. The second aha revolves around process. I had two discoveries related to this in the past two week. Even though I didn't feel well on my birthday (4/29) we went to church. And the message was about joy, and finding it. One of the points was that so often in life we think we will find joy when we reach a certain outcome or goal. But so often things don't go as we totally plan, and we never quite reach the goal. However, if we live in the moment and not always living in the future, the likiness that we find joy is higher. The other part of this was an article I read about reaching goals in competitive swimming. So often the conventional wisdom is you set a goal of 'x' time, and go for it. However, the article correctly pointed out that unless you break that down and look at the processes you utilize, and improve them, you will never reach the goal. So you make sure that your dive has this, you breath every three strokes, you have so many kicks in 25 meters, etc. And if you concentrate on the small steps, and doing those right, the ultimate goal can be achieved. For me, these two aha moments have really made me focus on daily living, being attuned to the moment and not getting ahead of myself. It makes me focus on the processes of life, and hopefully that will bring joy in the short, mid and long term.